The Power of Words: Redefining Orientation

We've all heard the old adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." It's true on one condition: that you understand that the power of words comes from the power you give the words. If you believe that when someone calls you a name or says something mean to you that your feelings will get hurt, then words will hurt you. If you understand that when someone calls you a name or says something mean to you that your feelings will get hurt only if you choose to let them be hurt, then words will not hurt you. Let me say that I believe that most of the people in the US— I'd go so far as to say the vast majority— don't understand the power of words. And therefore, the words they hear have a power over them to change or to reinforce how they think and/or feel.

With that in mind, I think we in the gay community can change how we are perceived by society. Or perhaps a more accurate way to put that is that by changing our use of words— and correcting others when they use inaccurate words— we can correct a commonly held misconception about gays. Correcting the misconceptions of society is never an easy task but it is possible. Society used to believe that being gay was a mental illness. When the mental health community took homosexuality off their list of mental illnesses back in the mid-70s, society's attitude changed somewhat towards gays. As did gays attitudes towards themselves in many cases.

But we first need to understand a bit of the psychology of society as a whole. Children, for the most, part think that everyone is the same as they are. That everyone experiences the same things that they do. A child who is abused at home, and the abuse is kept hidden from everyone else, believes that all children are being abused at home and it's being kept hidden in their homes as well. Which is one of the reasons it's so hard to get kids to say they're being abused: they think it's happening everywhere so they don't think it's abuse. But that's another topic. As children grow up into adults, they begin to learn that what happens in their lives doesn't necessarily happen in everyone else's life. They learn that there are differences in social standing, in economic standing, in artistic ability, in family dynamics and so on. But, despite the over-exposure of sex (particularly as a selling tool) in the US, sex in the context of a relationship is still pretty much taboo for public discussion. Even discussion among friends for many people avoids the topic of sex and sexual attraction.

As a result, society for the most part assumes that everyone is straight. Commercials are made with straight couples. Magazine ads show a man and a woman in a romantic embrace. Shows on television and in the movies almost always show straight couples in relationships. That is slowly changing, but at this point in time, most people in society assume that the person they're talking to is straight. As an example, a while back I was contacted by a company putting together an up-to-date directory for the high school of which I am an alum. When I told the representative that I wanted my name listed differently that that on record, he congratulated me and asked me how long my husband and I had been married. I explained that my spouse was another woman. He was quite apologetic, but it demonstrates how common it is to assume that marriage is between a man and a woman. Even within the gay community, there still seems to be that underlying assumption. I filled out an online survey conducted on a site that specializes in getting the opinions of the GLBT community. It asked my marital status. I checked the "living with partner" option and on the next page, I was asked the occupation of both the male and female heads of household! There was no option for female 1 and female 2. I'm no computer programmer, but I don't think it would be difficult to create a survey that asked what gender one's partner was and then changed the headings of the pages to reflect that actual situation as opposed to perpetuating the common belief that all relationships are between a man and a woman.

Because of the assumption that everyone is straight, the issue of "sexual orientation" rarely comes up for most people— until one encounters someone who is openly gay. In fact, if one raises the issue of "sexual orientation", one takes the chance that most people will probably think that one is gay. I'd be willing to bet that if you had an individual— let's call her Sharon— ask 100 people what their "sexual orientation" was, then asked those same 100 people what they thought Sharon's "sexual orientation" was and why, the vast majority would probably say that Sharon was a lesbian for the simple reason that she asked the question in the first place.

The general line of thinking is that "sexual orientation" applies only to gays. Most heterosexuals don't seem to think they have a "sexual orientation". Most don't appear to think the term "sexual orientation" has anything to do with them or their relationships. When was the last time you heard someone say, "My daughter/brother/friend is in a straight relationship" yet I can't count how many times I've heard, "My son/sister/friend is in a gay relationship." Most Americans— gay and straight alike— unconsciously associate the words "sexual orientation" with being gay. The two have almost become interchangeable, which makes the task of correcting society's misconception all that more difficult.

The first— and in my opinion most important— step in the process is to drop the use of the word "sexual" when referring to orientation because it is misleading. I'm gonna get a lot of flack for this but the truth of the matter is that orientation has nothing to do with who you have sex with. Orientation describes who you can fall in love with. Heterosexuals are men and women who are only able to fall in love with someone of the opposite gender. Gay men are only able to fall in love with other men. Lesbians are only able to fall in love with other women. Bisexuals are able to fall in love with either gender. (There's another misconception that bisexuals have to have a lover of each gender at the same time, but I'm not going into that any further in this article. Suffice it to say that many bisexuals are monogamous.)

When I've mentioned the above statement (ie, that orientation has nothing to do with who you have sex with but with who you can fall in love with), the reaction is generally split along gender lines. Men, even gay men, disagree most vehemently while women of all orientations most often agree. The most common reaction by those who disagree comes out something like "How can who you have sex with not affect orientation? If a guy sleeps with another guy, he's gay!" So let's look at a few examples of situations where the current definition orientation— "the direction of one's sexual interest toward members of the same, opposite, or both sexes" (The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved)— doesn't work.

Lisa knows she's "different" growing up. While all her friends are drooling over the latest male hunk on television, Lisa's checking out her brother's swimsuit model calendar. But her family is very religious and her faith considers being gay a sin. The topic of homosexuality is never discussed in her house. She may not even know what a lesbian is. So Lisa goes off to college, finds a good man and settles down. She has two kids, a house in the 'burbs and she's a regular PTA and soccer mom. Then Lisa meets the new teller at the bank and finds herself head over heels in love. Lisa suddenly remembers feeling "different" as a child and eventually understands she is a lesbian. She knows in her heart that she's always been a lesbian. Lisa realizes that she never loved her husband like she loves the bank teller. That she never felt for any man what she feels for this woman. She knows in her heart of hearts that what she feels for this woman is unlike anything she ever felt or could ever feel for a man. She eventually leaves her husband and moves in with the woman bank teller. Was Lisa straight while she was married to a man and now she's a lesbian? Or is she bisexual because she had sex with both a man and a woman? The truth is that Lisa has always been a lesbian, even when she was having sex with a man. She's not bisexual because she had sex with a man and a woman because she never emotionally connected with a man like she did with a woman.

Daniel gets into a fight with his boyfriend, Mark. Daniel goes to a bar and drinks until he's really drunk. A lady comes into the bar. Sally's lonely, Daniel's drunk, they end up going home together and having sex. Does that mean he's now bisexual since he had sex with Sally?

Steve, a heterosexual, has a fantasy about watching his wife, Susan, a heterosexual, have sex with another woman. Susan surprises him for his birthday and fulfills his fantasy. Does that mean Susan is now a bisexual simply because she had sex with another woman one time?

Mike is in prison serving out a 10 year sentence. While there, he has sex with several different men, but when he gets out, never has sex with another man again. Does this mean he was gay while in prison and straight before and after his incarceration?

I was originally unsure whether or not to include this next example because so many people already subconsciously associate pedophiles with gays, an inaccuracy made worse by the sex scandal in the Catholic church. Yet while pedophiles are the most controversial examples, they're also one of the strongest examples of the inaccuracy and inadequacy of current definition of orientation.

There is already a widely-held yet incorrect belief that gays are more likely to be pedophiles. There is no proof for this, in fact, statistics show the opposite. Yet groups like the Boy Scouts of America continue to deny membership to gays because of this outdated, prejudicial and incorrect view that gays are more of a danger to children than straights. The latest major institution to continue to perpetuate this incorrect belief is the Catholic Church, which seems to think that this child sex abuse scandal is a "gay issue" because male priests were molesting young boys. (See the article linked below regarding the findings of the commission appointed by the bishops to look into the issue of gays, the priesthood and pedophilia.) The "logic" being used is that since it was a male sexually abusing another male, that automatically makes the priest gay. WRONG!!!!

Pedophiles are those who are sexually attracted to children. Therefore, it is the age of the child that is the most important factor to a pedophile, not their gender. We think nothing of a straight man who is attracted to an adult woman who is ten or fifteen years younger than he is because for "normal" adults, the most important factor is gender, not age. Most of us don't even consider age when we consider whether or not to go out with someone. For a pedophile, they don't consider gender when determining who to victimize because the age is the determining factor. Most pedophiles are white, heterosexual males— that's statistics, not an attempt to slam white, heterosexual males.

In none of the above situations did the orientation of any of those involved change. Yet, according to the current definition of "sexual orientation", it should have changed because it's based on one's "sexual interest", not on who one can fall in love with. Most people— gay and straight alike— probably don't believe that a straight man can have voluntary sex with another man and still be straight. And yet it can— and does— happen every day because orientation has nothing to do with who you have sex with but with whom you can fall in love with.

There's another reason to stop using the term "sexual" when speaking of orientation. Barring rape/molestation, we always have a choice with respect to who we have sex with. The term "sexual orientation" therefore carries with it the subliminal implication that orientation itself is a choice. Here's how the subconscious (and erroneous) thinking of society goes.

• "Sexual orientation" has to do with who you have sex with.
  
• Who you have sex with is always a choice.
• "Sexual orientation" and "being gay" are synonymous.
• Therefore, being gay is a choice.

Society's refusal to grant equal rights to gays is therefore justified because being gay is a choice. We'd be asking for special rights, not equal rights. To make laws that guarantee gays equal rights would be the equivalent of saying we should make laws that guarantee that artists don't starve— after all, both are choices in the minds of most.

Finally, by sticking to the current definitions, we debase the true nature of every committed relationship, especially gay ones. A committed relationship— whether straight or gay— is not simply a sexual relationship. In the context of a committed relationship, sex is one of many forms of expression of the love between the two individuals. But with the current line of thinking which defines orientation based on who you have sex with, the subtle implication is that orientation is solely about sex, has nothing to do with love and therefore involves no commitment. Again, the (still erroneous) thinking goes like this.

• "Sexual orientation" is about who you have sex with.
• "Sexual orientation" and  being gay are the same thing.
• Therefore being gay is about who you have sex with.
  
• "Sexual orientation" is a choice.
• You always have a choice about who to have sex with, so being gay is merely a sexual preference.
  
• Having sex is not the same as making a commitment to someone.
• Therefore, gay relationships are merely sexual encounters that involves no commitment.

Again, if it's merely a preference, why should society create laws that guarantee equal rights? Such laws would be special rights if it were truly just a preference. It would be like creating laws that guarantee equal rights for people who prefer dating blonds over redheads.

The fact is it's not just a "preference"— for gays or for straights. A preference involves having a choice: "Which would you prefer?" is meaningless if you only have one option. Orientation is not about who you have sex with. It's about who you are capable of falling in love with. A straight woman can no more choose to fall in love with another woman than a lesbian can choose to fall in love with a man. Even if that love doesn't come with the first person you have sex with. Or even the tenth. A lesbian is still a lesbian even if she doesn't find love until she's fifty because she is only capable of falling in love with another woman. A gay man is still gay even if he experiments with having sex with women because he is only capable of falling love with other men. A straight man is still straight even if he experiments with having sex with another man because he can only fall in love with women. The sexual aspect of any relationship is merely an expression of the love within the relationship and you can't choose who you fall in love with. When people finally understand that orientation is about who you fall in love with not who you have sex with, they'll realize it's not a choice. They'll finally understand that gays only want the same rights that straights already enjoy: to have that protection of the law that forbids anyone from discriminating against you based on who you love.

The gay rights movement is slowly plodding ahead. But those fighting for gay rights are being hindered by subconscious associations that are reinforced every time we use the term "sexual orientation" and by the current definitions of homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual which are based on who you have sex with. Simply by dropping the use of the word "sexual" from in front of "orientation" and by informing others that being gay is not about who you have sex with but who you can fall in love with, we can change many of those subconscious associations. This will make the task of acquiring equal rights for gays that much easier as those in power— those who write the laws (who are, for the most part, heterosexual)— realize that gays aren't really asking for special rights. They simply want justice and equality.